From Comparison to Confidence: How Parents Can Help Themselves and Their Families Overcome Negative Self-Talk

Do you ever have a song stuck in your head throughout the day?  Well, hopefully it’s catchy and not something annoying, but for me, it can often be a song from a Miss Rachel episode or Daniel Tiger.  They make their songs catchy for a reason, and while they help my toddler remember that she needs to keep trying or tell an adult she has to go potty, it’s really annoying when I’m in the carpool line by myself, singing “if you have to go potty, stop. And go right away!”  Thankfully, at some point, I become aware that this song is playing in my head and I try to redirect myself to an interesting podcast or adult music.

Similarly, we as parents often have negative soundtracks in our heads throughout the day that play non stop in our heads. After working for over 15 years with parents, I’ve never heard about them struggling with positive scripts like “I did a great job splitting up that sibling fit” or “I am proud of how I regulated instead of reacting to my teenager.” No, it’s always negative. Although the season of life may be different for each parent, their soundtracks still sound similar. One specific negative soundtrack is the comparison soundtrack.

In driving, when we look at a car in another lane, our cars typically move in that direction.  As a parent, it’s so easy to find yourself swerving into someone else’s lane in the road of life when you are listening to the comparison soundtrack as it blares in your ears. This is a struggle for us as adults and can be especially challenging for your kids, tweens or teens. So what do we do? Check out these 3 ways to help you and your family to decrease comparison and increase contentment, and try them out with your family today!

1. Be Present

One of the easiest ways to get caught in the comparison soundtrack is to fall into the social media vortex where you can, within 2 seconds, find someone who is smarter, more together as a parent, throwing better kid parties, and has a more picture perfect family. And if that is true for us as parents, it’s even worse for your kids! By having marked out social media free time, it creates less opportunity for them to be disengaged with what good things they have going on in their life. A practical step would be putting your phones away at the dinner table and having “screen free” time where your family spends time together playing games, going on a hike, or doing something active and even goal oriented so they can feel a sense of pride and accomplishment after it’s over.

2. Be Problem Solvers

We usually compare our insecurities and perceived weaknesses with other people’s strengths. So, instead of having a stuck mindset, seeing ourselves as either a complete failure or the best at something, we can look through a framework of a growth continuum. When we do this, we can help kids do the same. For example, your son might compare his soccer skills with his best friend who just made the best team for your competitive soccer club. When he gets down on himself for not making the better team, you can help him problem solve ways to help him increase his abilities and skills this year so he can have a better chance in the year to come. Help him gauge his progress against himself as he dedicates time and energy to getting better as a soccer player.

3. Be Cheerleaders

When we compare, we often become threatened by other people’s successes. Think about it, when money is tight for your family, it’s hard to be excited about your friend’s raise or the neighbor moving to a nicer neighborhood. It’s such an awkward place to be since you want to celebrate the success of those around you but it’s hard to do when their success pushes on your own insecurities or inadequacies. Instead, let’s see that their success and what you are lacking as two separate things that cannot be compared. Doing so creates a flat story because we are all on different journeys and God is working in us differently than he might be working in their lives. There will always be someone smarter than you, more successful than you, more beautiful than you. That’s life. So instead of comparing, let’s be honest when we feel insecure and trusting that God will offer us exactly what we need during this season of wanting. If you can, remember that their story isn’t your story, It’s not about comparisons but simply celebrating one another in their own story.

If you want to identify what negative soundtracks you might be listening to or help your kid do the same, we are here to help with a roadmap uniquely created for you! Reach out to us at info@simplifyatlanta.com to set up a free consultation with one of our gifted clinicians.  We’d love to help you change your negative station today!