Addressing Shame in Faith-Based Communities

God designed our brains to grow in safety, yet sadly, this is not the case in many faith-based communities. Far too often, I hear the stories of individuals in my office who have been harmed by their faith community. Phrases like, “Something must be wrong with me,” “I was told I just didn’t pray enough,” or “I am a bad Christian” are commonly heard in my office. Together, we get to the source of where these beliefs first started, and sadly, many of these beliefs began within a faith community.

The dogma preached from many pulpits can cause people to view themselves as “broken” rather than “worthy of love.” At the root of this is shame. Pastor and licensed therapist Chuck DeGroat describes this common tendency by arguing that “shame convinces us we are fundamentally defective rather than simply wounded.” Though it is often unintentional, faith communities designed to guide individuals toward holiness and wholeness are leaving people feeling broken, highly anxious, and unworthy of love.

Emphasis is placed on “sin” while missing the beauty of love and grace. Shame is the weapon used to evoke change, yet it leaves individuals feeling like something is inherently wrong with them. So why do faith communities use shame?

Sadly, many faith leaders employ shame-based language (often, without noticing) to create transformation in their communities. This is the logic: if people are made to feel inherently “broken” or “unworthy of love,” then they will be more likely to surrender to God as their only pathway to wholeness. The problem with this reasoning, however, is that it keeps us trapped rather than setting us free.

It goes back to neuroscience. Shame is part of our protective threat response, helping us detect threats to our belonging and social connection. When our threat alarm goes off from shame, it makes us think we are actively in danger. Then, if we think we are in danger, we are likely to conform to the group in order to stay “safe.” Therefore, shame can seem effective, but it gives us a false sense of belonging while leading us to compromise our true sense of God-given self. While being in the “group” can feel safe, it often requires you to leave your vulnerability, honesty, and self-worth at the door. Shame can lead to short-term change, but it does not lead to deep, internal transformation.

Christian licensed therapists Aundi Kolber and Curt Thompson are two trustworthy voices on the topic of shame and faith. In their works, they describe how shame diminishes when our nervous systems feel safe enough to heal in community. They argue that people simply cannot grow spiritually if they are living in “protection mode.” Both have presented work emphasizing that lasting change occurs when we can lower our defenses, receive support, tell our story, and feel heard and seen—all promoting a shift from seeing ourselves as “not good enough” to “loved just as I am.” 

These are some signs there could be shame-based tactics in your faith-based community:

• You leave gatherings feeling worse about yourself.
• There is a high emphasis on following the rules.
• There are lots of “should” statements.
• God’s love is presented as conditional.
• There is no tolerance for asking questions.
• You can’t open up freely about what you are going through in life.
• Fear seems to be the primary tactic used for change.
• Emotions are not trusted and are seen as “sin.”
• Leaders do not model vulnerability.
• Outsiders are looked down upon for their way of life.

To find a faith community that feels safe to you, these are some qualities worth pursuing and searching for:

• Safety in asking questions.
• Security in relationships.
• Accountability rooted in gentleness and compassion.
• Emotional health and spiritual health are prioritized.
• Leaders who are vulnerable and honest.
• Teaching that prompts you to sit with your life story in a way that is filled with compassion and curiosity, not shame or judgment toward your past self.
• Uncertainty is tolerated.
• God is presented as loving above all else.
• Compassion for people who believe differently.

If you resonated with any of this, know that you don’t have to sit with it alone. Healing does, in fact, occur in the context of relationship, and therapy can be a safe place to explore how shame has been part of your story and move toward healing with compassion.